The desire to dominate or “rule over” our husbands is a common factor in the Fierce Women/Fearful Men cycle. But we don’t have to stay there. Every couple’s issues will be different, and the specifics of the relationship struggles will vary, but when it comes to marital conflict—there are no “innocent bystanders.” There is always need for growth in both partners.
In the years I’ve spent talking with women on this topic I’ve found that no matter how desperate the situation, admitting when you’re wrong and consistently demonstrating love results in positive changes.
Our marital transformation has been a journey of bringing down walls and a process of building unity. Stopping the blame game is where that starts. Start by admitting your marital problems are NOT all your husband’s fault. If you are serious about bringing down the dividing walls and destroying the barriers in your relationship, you’re going to have to get honest with God and with yourself, and admit it’s not all your husband’s fault.
I’m challenging you to stop, take a deep breath, and state the truth out loud: “It’s not all his fault.”
I issued this challenge to a group of women where I was speaking at a marriage retreat once and after the women repeated the statement out loud with me, one of them loudly retorted: “Well, I’m saying it with my mouth—but I don’t mean it in my heart!”
I felt like saying, “Are you kidding? You think you’ve done everything right? Really??” but I didn’t. Instead I smiled and told her this:
If you desire for God to work in your life, in your marriage, you need His grace. And He only pours out grace on those who are humble enough to admit they don’t have it all together; they know they have room for improvement.
Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (1 Peter 5:5)
How about it? Will you repeat after me and mean it with your heart? “It’s not all his fault.”