So Where do We Go From Here?

“I’ve been so wrong! I thought I was just helping my husband, but I can see now that I’ve been so wrong. I’ve always told him what he should do, because I want him to do what’s right . . . and usually I feel like I know what’s best, so when he sees things differently, then in my opinion he’s wrong and needs to do things my way. I never realized before that what I’ve been doing is treating him like a child rather than a man.”

You’re witnessing the early stages of birth for a repentant woman. As I’ve said before, every couple’s issues will be different, and the specifics of the relationship struggles will vary, but when it comes to marital conflict—there are no “innocent bystanders.” There is always need for growth in both partners. When we move our focus from the speck in our husband’s eye, and go on a log hunt to see what might be blocking our vision, preventing us from seeing where we’re wrong as well, we’re beginning to experience the labor pains of repentance.

“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? “Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3–5)

For the past several weeks on the blog, I’ve been laying some pretty heavy stuff out here for us wives to deal with. I’ve given you 5 marriage killers, shared with you how to prepare a safe place for your man, and now, like my friend I quoted above, some of you may’ve had your eyes opened to a few things. You may be at the birthing point of repentance.

So where do you go from here?

Matthew and Luke both give us a clear answer. When our sins have been exposed, we need to produce fruit that is consistent with a repentant heart:

“Therefore bear fruit in keeping with repentance” (Matthew 3:8).

Fruits of a Repentant Heart:

1. Confess

Once we’ve recognized an area where we’ve been wrong, we need to make a confession. As I shared in our marriage video, when I realized how wrong I’d been in how I viewed and treated my husband, I went to him and asked his forgiveness, I also asked my children’s forgiveness because I knew they’d witnessed how I treated their dad.

2. Specifically Address

When you confess, be sure to specifically address how you wronged your husband. If you’ve taken the reins of leadership, let him know that you were wrong to dishonor him and state the most recent example of that. If you’ve been harsh, rude, unkind, or insensitive, ask forgiveness for that specifically by stating when and how you were.

3. Ask Forgiveness

Don’t just tell him you are sorry, but ask him if he will release you from the debt you owe by simply saying to him “Will you forgive me for . . . ?”

4. Bring No Disclaimers

Don’t follow your confession with a justification for why you did what you did. Don’t say something like, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I’ve had a very hard day . . .” or shift the blame to him by saying something like, “I wouldn’t get so upset if you’d just do what I ask!”

Instead your confession needs to sound like a true admittance of wrong: “I was wrong to yell at you. That probably felt pretty crummy hearing that. Will you please forgive me? You don’t deserve for me to treat you that way.”

5. Commit to Change

This is where it really comes down to whether you’re going to experience transformation as a result of God’s conviction. Are you willing to commit to change? If so, here’s where the hard work begins. Cry out to God for His grace to overcome the temptation to react the same way when faced with a similar situation in the future. Continue to pray for this specific area in your life and ask God what the underlying issue is that triggers that kind of reaction. Consider memorizing Scripture that applies to your particular sin issue. Ask your husband to pray for you (aloud and with you) about this specific issue.

Are any of you experiencing labor pains of repentance?