What is Your Default Position?

In the early years of our marriage, my husband and I were both operating in pride. If anyone would have suggested “pride” as an underlying root issue, we would’ve quickly defended our actions and pointed the finger at the other partner as the source of the problem.

Pride will be the natural default position unless a couple learns to recognize it and battle it.

By “pride” I mean a self-centered focus that views all of life through the grid of how this affects ME.

If I place unreasonable expectations on my husband, and then plunge into a pit of depression or a fit of anger when he doesn’t come close to those dreams, I’m operating in pride and my reaction reveals a heart that thinks: “I deserve bigger, better, more!”

Pride is like an oozing canker-sore in a marriage relationship; it’s always festering, and when it’s bumped, it spews its poison and pulsates with pain. 

A woman whose pride is wounded can be dangerous. She lashes out in self-defense, determined to take her offender down. Her husband forgets her birthday . . . fails to notice her new hair style . . . is glued to the television while she aches for conversation . . . her pride will not put up with this kind of treatment. She deserves better; she pulsates with pain and she’ll make him pay!

Pride perverts the beautiful strengths of fierceness into a harsh, self-centered and demanding ugliness. 

Do you recognize anything familiar in the list below?

Patterns of Pride:

  • My desire to be loved consumes my thoughts and drives my emotions.
  • Convinced if he really cared, I wouldn’t have to tell him what I want—he’d instinctively know!
  • Feeling justified in handing out emotional punishment when he’s hurt me.
  • Viewing my husband through the eyes of an “inspector” rather than the gracious eyes of a lover.
  • “I’m to be prized, adored, and served.” (This attitude may never be voiced, but these expectations lie beneath expressions of anger when these desires go unmet.)

Pride is our natural default position because it’s our natural bent. In our natural state, we are all hopelessly pride-filled. The only hope to break out of the natural default position of pride is to recognize our great need for God to change us. To go beyond the natural.

Our great hope is to learn the way of Christ through entering His door of grace. A marriage relationship that is covered in His grace is one whose default position is humility. More on that tomorrow!

Excerpt from Fierce Women: The Power of a Soft Warrior © 2012• Kimberly Wagner • Moody Publishers


  • Sharon Dennehy

    Kimberly: I am so glad we met in Little Rock. I am really enjoying your blog and have reposted many of your posts on my FB page. Keep up the good work!

  • Kimberly Wagner

    Hello Sharon ~

    I am SO GLAD we met in Little Rock! Thanks for your encouragement, so glad you’ve joined our little blog community here. I hope you stay in touch and let me hear how God is at work. I love seeing how He is using you to impact this next generation!


  • Sarah

    thank you so much for the work you are doing. each thing i read and hear from you makes so much sense. i am just so scared that i won’t be able to do what you did.

  • Kimberly Wagner

    Hello Sarah ~

    Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you are reading. Don’t give way to fear. You or I cannot make the tough choices that love requires on our own. It is only by crying out to God for His work of grace–asking Him for “HELP!” when we are in need of transformation. I pray your heart and mind will be fully renewed by the Word (Col. 3:1–10) and you will have the courage to walk in the grace that is available when we are fully surrendered to God’s will and plan (Galatians 5:13–26).

    Praying for you!