Dr. Juli Slattery is doing a few guest posts for me this week and we’re also offering you a chance to win a copy of her and Dannah Gresh’s new book. Read through to the end of the post to see how you can enter the drawing!
But first, here’s Juli ~
Sometimes I joke about things I am “addicted” to. Coffee and dark chocolate are definitely on the list. Honestly, we are all addicted to something—there are things in life that we just can’t seem to get by without. You may be addicted to your husband’s affection, a daily workout, talking to or texting your best friend, or spending time in prayer. At the most basic level, we are all addicted to things like food, sleep, human interaction, and oxygen. We simply can’t live without them.
So why are some addictions normal, and others deadly? Why is it okay to joke about my need for a daily soy latte, but there is great shame surrounding a daily need for sexual stimulation?
Because sexual addiction is no joking matter. It has ruined millions of marriages, and keeps Christian men and women shackled in chains of self-contempt and fear. The roots often begin with children as young as eight or nine. When Satan gets a foothold, it seems as if a lifetime of struggle and failure is certain. Yet, many men and women have discovered freedom from sexual addiction.
What is sexual addiction?
A neuropsychologist could give an eloquent detailed explanation of what happens to the brain during sexual addiction. In layman’s terms, your body was designed to experience pleasure. There are areas of your brain and body that are wired to bring excitement, euphoria, and feelings of peace and elation. Some people call these the “reward” centers of your brain—God wired your body to reward you and motivate you toward certain actions. For example, after exercising, your body often gets flooded with endorphins that release stress and make you feel great—a.k.a. a “runner’s high.”
A lot of your body’s natural rewards are associated with sexuality. The body’s response to sexual excitement and passion is stronger than practically any other natural experience. I believe God designed powerful sexual feelings and rewards to draw us into relationship. If we never had sexual drives and feelings, who would ever want to get married? As Paul alludes to in 1 Corinthians 7, sexual desire is a primary reason why we are drawn to marriage.
An addiction occurs when we learn to go after the reward without doing the work that the reward is designed to be linked to. Sexual pleasure is designed to be a catalyst and reward for the hard work and risk required in relationship. Enjoying great sex over many years of marriage requires commitment, communication, humility, and effort. Pornography, sexual chat rooms, and erotic novels all allow for a person to experience the physical euphoria without the effort and vulnerability of relationship. They provide a “shortcut” to the powerful reward that God designed for marital intimacy.
Why is sexual addiction a problem?
The desires that lead to sexual addiction are not wrong. Women who find themselves caught up in porn, reading books like Fifty Shades of Grey, or in a sexual chat room, got there because their healthy God-given desires have been twisted. You are supposed to desire sex, intimacy, an escape from stress, and so on. . . . But the enemy has offered you a shortcut that has now taken over your life.
A hallmark of addiction is tolerance. This means that what brought excitement and euphoria last month isn’t enough. Now you need something more. Perhaps you began with romance novels. That led to erotica, which led to Internet porn. Now you want to act out on what you’ve seen and read. You recognize that your appetites are getting out of control, but life without the reward feels dull, empty, and even hopeless.
The tragedy of sexual addiction is that it steals your ability to enjoy the natural rewards God designed you to experience. I’ve talked to committed Christian women trapped in sexual addiction who have no sexual desire for their husbands and can’t enjoy simple things that once brought great pleasure. One woman put it this way:
I became more unsatisfied in our marriage. I was not satisfied by my husband sexually. He couldn’t satisfy me, and it was my fault. And, I cannot tell you how much I love my children. I have always wanted to be a wife and mother—more than any career life could offer. But I began to feel like my life was boring and mundane. I had thoughts of packing my bags and living a different life.
Tomorrow Juli continues this post and offers real help to women who want to get victory over their sexual addiction.
On March 1st, Juli and Dannah released, Pulling Back the Shades. You might consider this a double play on words. Not only do we want to pull back the shades of Grey for you to see God’s truth about what it and other books like it can do in your life, but we also want to pull back the shades on your own sex life. This book is not meant to be merely a reaction to Fifty Shades of Grey.
Ultimately it is about YOU—your longings, your questions, and your wholeness as a spiritual and sexual woman. We hope to offer you something you deeply need.
Today we’re offering you the opportunity to win your own free copy of the book.
Leave a comment below letting us know that you’ve shared this link on your Facebook page or Twitter account and you’ll be entered into the drawing for a free copy.
We’ll be drawing one winner per day all week, so if you’re not chosen by midnight tonight (Check the blog in the morning!), then leave a new comment tomorrow and you’ll be entered again!
Adapted from Juli’s post at Authentic Intimacy