Engulfed by the Pit

I think I was in my early forties when the first wave hit me . . . it was like I was being engulfed in black darkness and drug to a pit of despair . . . and it came on so quickly and unexpectedly that I was sure it was a direct demonic onslaught.

For those who know me well, they will tell you that I am the eternal optimist. I DO believe the glass is half FULL and I DO choose rose-colored glasses rather than jumping to the worst-case scenario. When our children were young, they nick-named me “Tigger” and we all lovingly called my pessimistic-prone husband: Eeyore.

My father was an optimist and that surely had some influence on my disposition, but I always felt my outlook was primarily shaped by my understanding of God’s sovereignty. Which is why the dark pit was so frightening to me.

I easily lose sight of God’s sovereignty when I’m swallowed up by the dark pit. 

When I entered that foreign territory, I called a friend for prayer. I told her I didn’t feel like myself and couldn’t really explain why or what was happening, but this dark shroud was stifling me. I don’t remember what she prayed, but as I wept and cried out to God with her, I felt the cloud begin to dissipate some, which led me to assume that the darkness was the result of spiritual oppression.

Before I go any further, I need to clarify a few things:

  • Christians can legitimately experience bouts of depression brought on by a number of factors (health issues, sin issues, emotional trauma, and probably others I can’t think of right now).
  • A state of spiritual darkness is not necessarily due to spiritual attack or demonic oppression (when in a depleted physical or emotional state, however, I believe we are more vulnerable to those things).
  • God provides grace for every season of life—the final season of womanhood may be the most challenging in some ways, but for a believer, this season is reserved for the portion of life when we should be our hardiest as a soldier. This season follows years of opportunity for walking with God and maturing in the faith.

I thought that bout with darkness was settled when I hung up the phone after a powerful prayer time with my friend. Since it was the first time I experienced that feeling, I didn’t recognize it or connect it to the season of womanhood that I was quickly approaching. I didn’t have another episode like that for at least a year . . . little did I know it then, but that would be the first of many forays into the “M” season.

I’ll tell you in my next post why I call it the “M” season (and it’s not “M” as in “Mature”).

You’ll definitely find a listening ear from me if you care to leave a comment.

What challenges do you have in your season of life?

Have you struggled with depression? How have you appropriated God’s grace?

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/


  • Julie Musil

    Oh, how I can relate to this. I don’t know if what I’ve felt was “depression,” but there have been some very, VERY dark moments.

    Kimberly, I tell ya, recently there were dark moments like this when I was in such deep despair. I wept and wept, with shoulders shaking. One time I was on the road, and seriously considered pulling to the side until I calmed down. But then I did something that I’d learned from Joyce Meyers–ask God for comfort.

    I’d never thought to just ask God for comfort. I feel silly saying things like that, because believers who are stronger in their faith than me might think, “Of course, you ask for comfort!”

    Anyway, I asked God for comfort. Immediately, I felt warmth wash over me. Immediately, my tears subsided. This has happened to me three times lately. Wow. I felt Him so strongly in those moments. So strongly, I’d call it my own miracle.

    Thanks so much for your beautiful post, and for your listening ear. I can’t wait to hear what your M stands for!

  • Kimberly Wagner

    Hello, Julie ~

    God is so faithful. I am sorry for the dark season you’ve been walking through, but at the same time I’m thankful for the lessons you’re learning and how you are becoming connected more intimately with God and His Word. Your description of crying out to Him for comfort is precious. He is faithful:

    “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Cor. 1:3–4)

    May you continue to sense His comfort and care, dear friend ~