Fierce Women

Do you ever get the idea that being a godly wife means you need to be a mousy doormat? Be as unnoticeable as a doorknob? Or have a personality transplant?

Fierce Women: The Power of a Soft Warrior, smashes that idea. No matter whether you’re an extrovert or more introverted—Kimberly Wagner believes women are created to be a compelling force.


You may not see yourself as beautifully fierce or even slightly strong, but what if God has placed a powerful fierceness within you, within every woman? Kim admits her fierceness became a source of conflict in her marriage, but the relationship dynamic totally changed when she discovered her fierce strengths could be used to encourage and inspire her husband. She invites you to come alongside as she takes an honest look at a destructive relationship dynamic and casts a vision for the transformation God can bring to troubled marriages.



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  1. Posted by Michelle Morrow


    • Posted by Kimberly Wagner

      Hello Michelle,

      Thank you for your honesty. Do you have a copy of Fierce women? I hope you do and that you’ll read and apply what is in the book. No matter how successful our husbands are, we can strip them of their confidence and desire to lead. My husband recently spoke about this on the radio program: Chris Fabry Live. You can listen to that program online here:

      You might find that program helpful to hear a husband’s perspective on this issue.

      I encourage you to check out the book and the posts on marriage on this website. Michelle, when you’re in the midst of the battle, please try to remember loving your husband matters more than winning the debate or argument. Love isn’t something we can give in our own strength, ask for grace to love your husband well.

      Pausing to pray for you now ~

      • Posted by Brian

        I was brought to your site from a FamilyLife session/podcast I recently listened to. from there, I came across this posting that references your husband’s perspective, of which I would be interested in…much of what you discussed and post on your site reflect much of how I see things unfolding in my marriage and home. Unfortunately, I believe some of this has impacted my stepson, as well as the one son we have at home yet.
        I was unable to locate your husbands story and wondered if you can redirect me to that.

        I applaud and thank you for sharing your story for God’s glory and to impact many others like myself.

  2. Posted by Lisa

    Thank you for writing the book! Wow it spoke to me in a fierce kinda way! It’s powerful message will help in the transformation of my marriage!

    • Posted by Kimberly Wagner

      Hello Lisa ~

      Thank you for the comment, I’m so glad God used the book to speak to you. I hope you’ll stay connected here on the blog. You can subscribe and the posts will be emailed to your inbox Monday through Friday. (Subscribe gadget is on the sidebar scroll up and look to the left).

      May you see God do an Ephesians 3:20 work in your marriage!


  3. Posted by Jennifer

    Thanks for being so transparent and writing “Fierce Women” I am reading this as we speak! I am taking my time though as it’s such great material and I WANT TO GET IT! Every ounce of this book/your journey speaks to ME! I want dramatic change in my marriage, I’m asking God for His help in this transformation just as you did! Please pray for me in this journey and thanks again for sharing your testimony I have such HOPE in my heart! God Bless you Kim!

    • Posted by Kimberly Wagner

      Hello Jennifer ~

      Thanks for taking the time to leave such a kind comment and for inviting me to pray with you about your marriage. I’m excited to hear your desire for God to bring transformation.

      As you begin applying things God is showing you, I encourage you to not lose heart and to always cry out to God for “Help!” Ask Him to fill you with His empowering grace to love your husband well and to choose the way of humility rather than pride. Especially cry out for this when you are at a moment of temptation, wanting to lash out, or give in to anger and self-pity, wanting to demand your own way, or exert a destructive fierceness.

      Also, I encourage you to ask your husband’s forgiveness for specific ways you’ve sinned against him. Perhaps ask him to view our marriage video with you (you can find it under the “Videos” tab above). This can open up dialogue that may be helpful in starting a process of understanding.

      Also, I often suggest that couples listen to our interview with Nancy Leigh DeMoss where we are sharing our story. You can find that link by going through the “Welcome” tab, then scroll down to see the button for ROH Radio, our marriage story is the first one listed, just click on:

      A Hurting Couple Finds True Hope (September 10-17, 2012) LeRoy and Kim share their marital story.

      It will take you directly to those radio programs.

      Jennifer, I hope you’ll let me know how it is going. I would love for you to leave a comment when you’re finished with the book under the “Your Voice” tab. Also, if you haven’t signed up to get my daily blog post, I hope you’ll plug in your email address to the “Subscribe” box so you can stay connected here.

      I am pausing now to ask God to empower you with His grace, to fill you with the knowledge of His will, to direct your heart and mind in the way of love when you are tempted to walk in the flesh. I’m asking Him to do an Ephesians 3:20 size work in your marriage:

      Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us,to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.

      Blessings dear one ~

  4. Posted by Maggie Christianson

    This book rocked my world! I am bursting at the seams to share it with several married women I know, specifically my sisters. We are daughters of a woman who had to become fierce after our father abandoned us. This book made me see that I don’t need to be that kind of fierce woman. My husband is here and perfectly capable of being the leader in our family.

    I am so grateful to you for writing this book and I am so grateful to God to putting it in my hands! In less than a month my 11 year marriage has completely turned around! I pray that we can “stay the course” and continue to develop these new, healthy habits and ways of doing life together.

    The challenges are still there, of course. I appreciate your advice to Jennifer to cry out for help in times of temptation. I am currently struggling with a situation where I feel my husband’s decision is a selfish one and am tempted to “let him have it” or give him the silent treatment. I will take your advice and give it to God and pray about it.

    I was wondering, do you have any advice regarding how to recommend this book to other women? My fear is that they will be defensive and I will offend them. My brother’s marriage is a mess and they are in a very desperate situation. I took the risk and recommended it to my sister-in-law and also shared parts of it with my sister. I am also praying that the Lord would open their hearts and give me wisdom to know how to handle this.

    Thank you again for this incredible book!


    • Posted by Kimberly Wagner

      Hello Maggie ~

      Wow, what a huge encouragement and blessing to read your comment! I am so thankful and rejoicing in what God is doing in your marriage! I am praying for you right now, asking God to bring His truth to mind, to flood you with grace to obey, at those times when you are tempted to revert back to the “old Maggie.” You might find it helpful to do the Husband 30-Day Challenge from Revive Our Hearts:

      As far as sharing the book with other women, I understand the struggle . . . I have the same concern when I pass it on, especially being the author! :) But like my husband told me this weekend (after I gave it to some women who are definitely fierce and their marriages are struggling), “If it impacts one woman, it is worth the risk of handing it out to others who may not appreciate it.”

      I suggest you simply pass it on to other women by sharing how it has impacted your life and explaining that you think the book is helpful for understanding how to relate to men whether or not you are having difficulty in your marriage. I’m so glad you are sharing it with others!

      Thanks for sharing, Maggie, I hope you’ll stay connected through the blog!

  5. Posted by Kevin

    I came across this book through Tim Kellers twitter. My wife of two years is destructively fierce. She won’t read this book and is offended by any suggestion that she needs to change. I’m getting discouraged and losing hope. How do I as a man encourage her to seek this out?

    • Posted by Kimberly Wagner

      Hello Kevin,

      First of all, I’m so very sorry for the pain and hopelessness you are experiencing. Just this morning, I was writing in my journal and God took me back to recall how, for years, my husband and I were caught in that destructive cycle. Through those years I believed my husband was the problem, not me. This morning, God reminded me that He was at work (way back then) in my marriage, but I couldn’t see it. So, let me encourage you, God is listening, He is hearing your prayers and He desires to rescue your marriage and to create a unity and fellowship between you and your life that truly glorifies Him.

      Let me encourage you to make some tough choices. Your wife needs you to take a humble, yet strong leadership role in your marriage. Let her hear clearly from you that you love her, you cherish her, you are committed to leading her in the biblical role God has commissioned you with (Eph. 5:22–33). Take gentle steps of manly leadership, pray over her regularly, lifting up “non-condemning” prayers (you will understand what I mean if you read the book, I talk about “God get ‘im” prayers on p. 133) where you pray for specific needs or struggles that you know she is facing (challenges at her job, physical difficulty, financial needs, etc), and humble yourself in prayer with her by you confessing your need and desire to love her as Christ loves the Church. You may already be doing these things, but if not, please begin today laying a foundation of spiritual leadership that will give you a platform to speak truth in love to her.

      Approach your wife humbly asking her for input. Invite her to share with you things she sees in you that do not display the character of Christ. Be prepared to receive what she says graciously, listen to her heart, and patiently consider what she shares with you. After she see observes that you’ve received her input (if she shares anything), ask her if you can share a video clip with her. I don’t know if you’ve watched our video (you can pull it up by clicking on the “Videos” tab at the top of the page, and the “Marriage Miracle” video is the first one), it tells our story and I share how God opened my eyes to my heart issues.

      Enter this conversation carefully. Spend time in prayer and the Word seeking direction and timing before holding this conversation (James 1:19–20). Be sure your desire to confront your wife stems from right motives—spiritual restoration for your marriage and love for wife as your sister in Christ—not in order to “fix things” more to your liking (1 Thessalonians 5:14–15; Hebrews 12:14–15).

      Search your own heart first—is there anything in your own life that needs to be confessed to God or your wife (Matthew 7:5)? If you have unresolved issues you need to deal with those before having this conversation.

      I encourage you to read the book yourself, it will give you a better understanding of your wife, but also some practical help in building a unified relationship.

      My prayer for you, Kevin, is that God will step into your marriage relationship and bring the transformation that comes only through His gracious work. May you see Him do an Ephesians 3:20 work in your lives!

      “Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.”

      Pausing to pray for you now ~

  6. Posted by Tommy

    For almost 18 years I have been married to a Fierce Woman, though she was stealthy about it until the last few years. Different life events and marital issues released her ferocity. I was pummeled by judgment, condemnation, disapproval, manipulation, inflexibility, gossip, betrayal, and eventually complete detachment. The onslaught was intense. As believers, for years we always insisted that divorce was not an option, we never even used the word. But this summer, my wife blindsided me by filing for divorce.

    I am a child of God in whom Christ lives, with faults and flaws that presented challenges for my wife throughout our marriage. But there was no infidelity, no abuse, nothing that matched what scripture says about when divorce is permitted. We each are responsible for the state of our marriage, but she is driving this process.

    The day she filed, I made an immediate decision to extend peace, grace and loving kindness to my wife, even though it was the exact opposite of what the “flesh” side of me wanted to do. Believe it or not, after 5 months we are still living in the same house with our kids, with logistics preventing the divorce process from advancing. I am praying for a miracle, which I know God can provide, even though He may not.

    Last weekend, I saw your book sitting on her nightstand. At first the title made me think that it was going to be about women fighting for and claiming their independence from men. When I read the summary of the book on Amazon, and browsed the reviews and comments, I was floored. Fierce Women was about humility, reconciliation, and submission… what the heck was this book doing in her room?

    I downloaded the book from Amazon for my tablet, and am about halfway through. Kimberly, this could have been a book about my wife and my marriage. You have absolutely nailed it. Your use of EMASCULATION (which is spot on) and APPRECIATION (which has been absent for years) have literally left me sobbing while going through each part of the acronyms.

    I don’t know if my wife is actually reading your book, or who gave it to her. With her coldness, inflexibility and determination to follow through with the divorce, I can’t imagine it was a matter of her deciding on her own to purchase it. I’m trusting that God is working behind the scenes, and perhaps someone from our church asked her to read it. I really pray she does.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has been a real encouragement in a violent storm.

    • Posted by Kimberly Wagner

      Hello Tommy,

      I am so very sorry to hear about your marital situation, but I am joining you in asking God to do a transforming work that will bring Him great glory. Please read my comment to Kevin (above) and consider some of the suggestions that I shared with him.

      I’m praying that your wife reads the book and receives what God desires to say to her through it. I hope your church will come alongside you both and offer biblical help and counsel.

      My husband and I are praying for your marriage. May you see God bring a beautiful reconciliation and establish a new relationship of unity, sacrificial love, and humility.

      “Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19

      • Posted by Tommy

        Thank you for your prayers. You know, the amazing thing about going through this storm so far is that God has shown Himself to me in wonderful ways. While I would prefer that He change my circumstances, instead He has changed me by pouring out love and grace.

        As I said, God can certainly perform a reconciliation miracle, but He may not. As Scott Krippayne sang, “Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child.”

  7. Posted by Angela

    I just finished reading Fierce Women, and throughout the pages I saw my reflection. Although, no longer married, God placed a wonderful Godly man in my life to help me to become the Soft Warrior I should be. I have always been looked to as the strong, in control person in the family; there to be a hedge of protection around the family. Therefore, I thought I had to be direct and controlling to those who were not doing what was right. Your story and my new friend have showed me I don’t have to be that way.

    Thanks for sharing your story. I am sharing your story with the women in my bible study and definitely my mother. She, like me, has some growing to do.

    • Posted by Kimberly Wagner

      Hello Angela ~

      I’m so glad God has used the book in your life and that you are sharing it with others. Thank you so much for taking the time to stop in and leave an encouraging comment. I hope you’ll stay connected here by subscribing to receive the daily blog in your inbox!

      Blessings ~

  8. Kimberly, Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing the Fierce Woman. My daughter read it first (after 2012 True Woman conference) and then said Mom you need to read this. A little late, I thought – been married (happily) for 50 years… Surprisingly I discovered things about my husband he was glad for me to know including you are never too old to grow closer. The blog link is below, and I will be passing the book on to a dear friend at this year’s True Woman!

    • Posted by Kimberly Wagner

      Hello, Delores ~

      I’m only today seeing your comment that you left here several days ago. First, thank you for your encouragement and I’m so glad you left your blog link so I could read your kind review of “Fierce Women.” I had just finished reading your review when I went to today’s True Woman blog post by Lindsay Swartz and read a comment left there by you. I probably would not have made the name connection, but since I’d just read your comment here and the review, I immediately recognized your name on the True Woman site. It was shocking to say the least. Delores, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I’m not sure when, or if, you will see this comment from me.

      I don’t have access to the email addresses connected with the blog or I would email you. I am trying to connect the web administrator to get your email address and personally contact you.

      Delores, it is no accident that I read your comment on the TW blog and read of your daughter’s passing. Please know the Father has placed you on my heart and I will be praying earnestly for you. From reading a few posts on your website, I know you walk with God and know His Word. I’m praying you cling to His truth in this dark hour. He sees all you are facing, and He cares. He has not abandoned your family and there is purpose in what He is allowing.

      “The LORD is good, A stronghold in the day of trouble, And He knows those who take refuge in Him.” (Nahum 1:7)

      I am praying for you, friend. At some point, you might read this blog post from earlier this year:

      Know that the Father has planted you in my heart and I will be praying for you and your family ~

  9. Posted by Tori

    Thank you so much for this book! It hit on so many things in my life! I learned so much, and God is teaching me how to become a BEAUTIFULLY fierce woman, controlled by Him! I want to share what I learned and would love to do a small-group study with this book…are there any plans for a study guide or DVD study series that can help in using this in small groups?

    • Posted by Kimberly Wagner

      Hello, Tori ~

      Thank you so much for your encouraging comment. I’m so thankful God used the book in your life! There are several women who’ve contacted met to let me know that they are using “Fierce Women” as a small group study. And, yes, there has been discussion about a study guide and materials to help with that, but currently there is nothing ready. I encourage you to not wait, but gather your group, use the discussion questions at the end of each chapter and take excerpts from the book that God used to deal with your heart and share!

      If you get a group started, I would be glad to Skype or Face time with you for your opening session and pray for you all. I’ve done that with other groups who are doing “Fierce Women” as a study. Please stay in touch and let me know what God does!


  10. Posted by Stacey

    I am currently reading your book. I have listened to the radio broadcasts that share your story. Thank you for allowing God to use you to help others. I have been in a destructive cycle with my husband for most of our marriage (21 years). We have had great times together and we have had rough times; however, the last five months have been some of the toughest. God is opening my eyes to how critical I have been – even to the point of it spilling over to my 15 year old son. I am thankful that He has opened my eyes but I need to be honest. I’m struggling! Just this weekend, I so wanted to tell my husband somethings that were bothering me regarding his actions; however, I did not because I was afraid it would only come out as criticism. So I was quiet most of the weekend which signals to him that something is bothering me. I seen now how that behavior has been very manipulative. How do I share with him what is on my heart when it has the potential of coming across as negative and “just something else he needs to work on” (his words)? He is very perceptive. I wear my emotions on my sleeve in that when something is on my mind, I can’t hide it.

    I would appreciate your prayers.


    • Posted by Stacey

      Dear Kim
      Another thought came to me after writing my original comment. Another reason I am struggling is that the thought keeps coming that says “If I completely surrender my desire to control, surrender my fierceness, etc, is that letting him off the hook?” In other words, I am still fighting the thought that we are both at fault. I feel horrible in admitting that I’m struggling with that but I have to be honest. Why can’t I just focus on where I am wrong?!? I so desperately want to NOT be this way. But I have to be completely honest…I think I’m afraid of the work and commitment it’s going to take. I know that’s probably the enemy trying to persuade me that it’s too hard, etc because I KNOW if I surrender and allow God to get a hold of me, and the Holy Spirit does a mighty work in me, our marriage will dramatically change for the better. But there is a part of me that wants the “instant” fix, the flip of a switch. But I know it’s taken many years to get this way. Did you ever struggle and slip backwards or was it an immediate change for you? (I am only in chapter 3 of the book right now) I appreciate any advice you can give.

      • Posted by Carrie DeLong

        I promise I’m not going to hijack Kim’s blog but sister-friend … KEEP READING. Chapter 3 is a great start. I love to call myself ‘the Fiercest’ because I had those same thoughts – how in the world can I let him off the hook? A few thoughts for you:
        1. You don’t always need to let things go. There is a time and place for appropriate confrontation. Some of those guidelines are in the back of the book. That being said, ‘timing is very important’… Can some of these confrontations wait? Here’s why:
        2. Read on and learn about building a ‘platform of influence’ in your husband’s life. After 21 years of destructive fierceness, he just might not be ready for you to confront him. You’re still in the process of creating a ‘safe place’ to discuss things. Sometimes issues need to be addressed ASAP, but I’m guessing that if you’re anything like me, some of the things that are most hurtful or irritating about him right now can be brought safely to the Lord’s attention (btw – He already sees it!) and you can pour your heart out to HIM. In the times we can’t or don’t trust another’s heart, we can always trust God’s heart toward us. Practical thing that helped me? GET A JOURNAL. When God starts changing hearts, you’ll be encouraged when you read your progress.
        3. You aren’t losing yourself. You aren’t letting him off the hook. You’re following Christ’s example of humility. Remind yourself of the humility with which Jesus served those who hated him. If you know Christ, the same Spirit that raised Him from the dead is alive in you! You can do this.

        I’m right there with you in this Fierce Women journey – studying through the book for a second time – and I’ll tell you that old habits (even with the best intentions) die hard. It has been about a year and a half and the changes have been slow. Very slow. But worth it. This isn’t a 12-step fix it plan, but a lifestyle of obedience to God’s Word in an area that the culture around you is SCREAMING an opposing message. Give yourself some grace and take it day by day … but for GOODNESS SAKE … keep reading. You’re about to get to the best part, Fierce gal. Don’t quit. You’re well on your way and God is working! :-)

        • Posted by Kimberly Wagner

          Carrie, thank you dear friend for sharing honestly about your struggles. You’ve given Stacey some wisdom here and I hope she’s encouraged by hearing from a sister who has applied these principles, and hung in there through some tough challenges, to experience the transforming grace of God!

          It made me smile to see you coming alongside a fellow fierce woman to bring a word of truth and grace :)

    • Posted by Stacey

      Dear Kim
      This is Stacey again – after I hit “submit” I had another thought. I tried to submit it using my yahoo email account but it would not allow me. So I am using a different email to submit this comment.

      Another thought came to me after writing my original comment. Another reason I am struggling is that the thought keeps coming that says “If I completely surrender my desire to control, surrender my fierceness, etc, is that letting him off the hook?” In other words, I am still fighting the thought that we are both at fault. I feel horrible in admitting that I’m struggling with that but I have to be honest. Why can’t I just focus on where I am wrong?!? I so desperately want to NOT be this way. But I have to be completely honest…I think I’m afraid of the work and commitment it’s going to take. I know that’s probably the enemy trying to persuade me that it’s too hard, etc because I KNOW if I surrender and allow God to get a hold of me, and the Holy Spirit does a mighty work in me, our marriage will dramatically change for the better. But there is a part of me that wants the “instant” fix, the flip of a switch. But I know it’s taken many years to get this way. Did you ever struggle and slip backwards or was it an immediate change for you? (I am only in chapter 3 of the book right now) I appreciate any advice you can give. (would you be opposed to emailing me at my yahoo account? I was wondering if it would be easier to “dialogue” that way??


      • Posted by Kimberly Wagner

        Hello Stacey ~

        I read your comment a few days ago and have been praying for you and looking for the right time to reply. I love how God supplied Carrie as a fierce-sister-friend to come alongside in my delay :)

        Carrie gave you some honest and helpful counsel and I hope you’ll consider her recommendations. I would much rather sit and share with you over a cup of tea than to attempt to dialogue through email, but we may not have that option . . . let me encourage you to make your way through the entire book (praying and asking God for grace all along the way), and then we’ll see what we can do about connecting through email.

        One thing I’ve learned, friends and mentors can be helpful truth-speakers, but the very best counselor is the Holy Spirit. Appeal to Him to open your eyes to anything you need to see in your own heart that you’ve not yet realized. Be quick to confess your sin and seek repentance. The way of Christ is the road of humility.

        I am so very sorry to hear about your friends who are making choices to separate and divorce. The enemy hates a united Christian marriage and seeks to divide at every point. I commend you for your commitment, and I pray that you will experience the beautiful unity, deep love, and close companionship that God desires for you and your husband to know. He is able! Perhaps one day you and your husband will be able to share your example with those friends who are walking through marital destruction today.

        One thing that came to mind, have you watched our marriage video, yet? You might consider pulling that up and watching it with your husband. If you go to the “videos” tab at the top of this page, it is the first video on that page. Some couples find it helpful to watch that together and then talk about what parallels or common relationship struggles they share.

        I want to encourage you that God delights in transforming marriages for his glory. We were in a very dark place for several years, but God has done an amazing work and He can work in your marriage as well.

        “Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever.” (Eph. 3:20–21)

        Praying for you ~

  11. Posted by Stacey

    Carrie –
    THANK YOU for the encouragement. It helps to know there are other women who struggle with this. I can sit in a pit of self pity and self defeat at what I have done, but I am choosing to not do that. I am resolved to look to Jesus and ask for His strength. There are currently at least 4-5 couples I know who are either separated, or divorcing. I made a convenant with God and my husband and have decided my marriage is worth fighting for. I am choosing to not just “settle” that this is “just how it’s going to be”. But mercy….it is hard. Again, thank you.


  12. Posted by Stacey

    Thank you so much for replying. I appreciate your honest input and prayers.
    I will continue to seek Jesus and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and guidance.

  13. Posted by Barbara

    Dear Kimberly – i shared with you a few months ago that we will be reading through your book as a group of moms. Today was our last meeting talking about the last 2 Chapters and about the impact this book has had (and is having) on our lives and marriages. Each lady shared honestly of the ways their marriage has been impacted for the better. We are more aware than ever of our need to rely TOTALLY on our Father in Heaven and let Him love us first of all. Our motto this one week before Christmas as SOFT WARRIORS is: ARISE SHINE FOR YOUR LIGHT HAS COME! (Is60:1). We can arise, stand up and become the woman we are created to be and shine because of His Presence in our hearts. Shining probably means being soft :-) because we do not have to control out of fear. We are safe in the love of Jesus!!! THANK YOU GOD! And Thank YOU for your transparency and for writing. The Holy Spirit has been working through it and God used it mightily in our group and in many woman’s lives.

    • Posted by Kimberly Wagner

      Hello, Barbara ~

      Wow, thank you so much for sharing! I love hearing how God is at work. Thank you for your faithfulness to encourage this group. I hope the group is plugged into the blog and will stay connected and use the posts here as a resource to keep pressing into all He has for them as “soft warriors!”

      May you and your family have a most blessed Advent season ~


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